I received a mysterious package from the elusive Turtlenex containing a first class ticket to New York for that weekend. I had heard rumours that the rap super group were planning their emergence but frankly I was a little anxious and didn’t know what to expect.
I got on the plane 2 days later to land at New York City‘s JFK airport early in the morning where I was met by a large man resembling Uncle Fester, from The Adams Family. He drove me to a remote location instructing me to blindfold my eyes when we were close to destination. Once I removed the blindfold it was clear I was in a massive abandoned warehouse.
What could have been a routine interview ended up taking just under 17 hours due to the insistence by the rappers that all my questions and all their answers be delivered through a massive Etch and Sketch seemingly purpose built for the occasion. I was rewarded for the ordeal with a large piece of Tuna and a copy of their beef squashing single ‘Throw It On The Grill‘.
After the ordeal Kylemikaze took me on a tour of New York‘s hottest nightspots, insisting on paying for every drink with a huge wad of $2 notes. He was also weary that we don’t spend more than one hour and twenty-three minutes in each location. After getting me sufficiently drunk I was reunited with Uncle Fester at 9am the next morning and driven back to the airport.
Here is what I have managed to decipher from my notes:
In late 2007, two men from a remote fishing village shattered traditional views of “makanan dr ikan pencuri“, or what is known as “fish thievery” in the United States. They also changed hip hop forever.
On Oecussi-Ambeno, a small island off the coast of East Timor, Chet Stewart and Kylemikaze were living in destitution, subsisting on dried fruit while honing what little skills they possessed as amateur fishermen. In order to survive, they made pickles, they conserved what little they had, and they stole. They stole from men, women, children, and livestock. They were thieves –“pencuris“. Weary from a life fraught with dishonesty and constant ridicule, the two pencuris decided to cast their lines North Westward or so.
They cast the longest lines they had –their penises– and reeled themselves in to the shimmering golden shores of the Rockaway Peninsula in Queens, NY. From there they travelled further North and further West and carried with them their most recent booty from Oecussi-Ambeno: fresh tuna and mayonnaise. When they finally arrived in Manhattan, they went to a Subway shop and peddled their wares. One intrigued franchise owner bought a tuna and a jar of mayonnaise from Chet and began selling it to his customers. Low and behold, the customer returned for more and garnered interest from people in nearby neighbourhoods. And so the Tuna Sandwich(TM) on Honey Oat (TM), Italian Cheese and Herb(TM), Italian(TM), or Wheat(TM) was born.
After the success of the semi-popular Tuna Sandwich Sub at Subway(TM), Chet and Kyle acquired heaps of dollars So once again they cast their penises across the world and reeled themselves back to Oecussi-Ambeno to disperse their newly acquired riches among the villagers. “Mengambil uang ini! Makan! Maaf!” (“Take this money! Eat! We are sorry!“). The villagers, eager to hear the stories of the adventurers’ travels told in a tale that would please the ear, demanded that the two former pencuris tell their story in verse form. So they wrote raps. This is their story. In Oecussi-Ambeno, Chet and Kylemikaze are known as fish thieves-turned-heros. In New York City and everywhere else in the world they are known as Turtlenex. This is their music.
MP3:
Turtlenex – Throw It On The Grill
